Sometimes things feel just out of our reach. Today I felt like that. Where the world gave me all these ideas, like waking up in a morning to sunshine, daisy fields, and oodles of free time for it to quickly cast over, rain, and for the hours to slip away in apathetic boredom. The inspiration, the fire, the passion taken. What’s interesting though, is that what took it from me was nothing external, you can still choose in the rain to do something, to produce fruit. But today I chose not to and it did not make me feel good.
So, here are some words. I have words, lots of them. I think lots of words, I write lots of words and they get lost, on scraps of paper, on envelopes that get recycled, on notes on my phone just above below and around shopping lists, on bookmarks, on my laptop, in text messages, and even on other people’s phones. They go somewhere, but never anywhere intentional. And now is the time for them to go somewhere intentional, and to be of use instead of taking up space and cluttering up what vegetables I need to buy when I go to Sainsburys… So, what this is, what you’ve stumbled upon is the culmination of these notes, not the old ones, they’re gone, but some of the new ones. The notes, the thoughts, the texts, just bursts and bits and pieces of lost puzzles brought into one unexpected place. They may not make sense, but together they make something, an appearance, a mirage, a reflection of me. A confabulation.
Espial – to see something, to catch sight of it, to hold it as yours. This is what I’m doing, snapping what I see into words on a screen.
I said at the beginning that sometimes things feel way out of reach, and it still does, and that we expect it to make us whole and it never does. But there is one thing that does, which is the sole purpose and intention, there are words that need to be said, things that are supposed to move beyond just me. I’m very good at playing a blocked stream a lot of the time instead of flowing like I should So, here it is, me flowing…
Sometimes we catch them, our dreams, our visions, and they make us feel like we’re whole again. This time that bird caught whatever it was after, I forget what it was, but it wasn’t a pigeon. But, truly, there is only one thing that ever makes us feel completely whole, completely alive, completely free.